Lame (Duck) Excuse

A retired nurse in Oregon is suing for $275,000 in an alleged pet duck attack.

“In her attempt to run away from the agitated waterfowl, Ruddell fell to the ground, breaking her right wrist and spraining an elbow and shoulder, the suit claims.”

So it seems she was not injured by the duck, but by herself, while trying to run away from the duck. Seems like she is blaming her own clumsiness on a duck. 

Apparently it didn't look *enough* like a gun

A man tried to rob a gas station and a dry cleaner using “a knife and a potato that apparently looked like a handgun.” All he got was a fake $20 bill.

  

Sharknado is truly dangerous

Even this Sharknado action figure is dangerous! It is hazardous to anyone under 16 years old. A 15-year-old cannot be trusted to play with this toy.

Cruel and Unusual Punishment

Europe is outraged that the U.S. could botch an execution. Yes, it is embarrassing that it took 43 minutes for Clayton Lockett to die after he was injected. As one twitter user noted:

“How could Oklahoma botch an execution? If there’s one thing I would expect Americans to know how to do by now, it’s kill somebody.”

However, given that Lockett duct taped, kidnapped, beat, gang-raped, shot, and then buried alive a 19-year-old girl, I don’t feel too bad for him. He willfully meted out more than 43 minutes of agony on an innocent victim (and raped her friend, too).

We can debate about whether death by lethal injection (or capital punishment in general) is “cruel and unusual punishment,” which is banned by the Eighth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. But what I don’t understand is how people are outraged by the situation in the U.S. when another country has just adopted sharia law. That’s correct…the small nation of Brunei in East Asia has joined many other countries around the world in adopting the Islamic criminal law, which includes “flogging, dismemberment and death by stoning for crimes such as rape, adultery and sodomy,” and it will apply to non-Muslims as well as Muslims. Where’s the outrage over that? 

 

WARNING: Graphic images of sharia law follow. 

 

Yes, this little boy is having his arm severed by a truck, as part of sharia law.

Where is the international outrage?

#hypocrisy

"Baby on Board" signs: Not just for humans anymore.

This bumper sticker says there is a baby on board:

What kind of baby? A baby octopus?

“Summer will end soon enough, and childhood as well.” ― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

I was disturbed to see this sign hanging in my local grocery store to support a non-profit campaign:

They want to "END CHILDHOOD"!!! What is this world coming to?

I did a double-take and found out that they actually want to end childhood hunger. 

Wow. Someone needs to go to design school.

Bubble Soccer (or football, as they call it in the rest of the world)

Bubble soccer looks like so much fun. 

 

You could forget the soccer ball and just run around bumping into people in your bubble. It would be like bumper cars. It could be very popular at amusements parks.

Bumper Stickers

You've seen those braggy bumper stickers for people who have run a marathon or half-marathon:

But now they have stickers for the rest of us:

 This guy apparently made it a quarter of a mile before collapsing:

This one probably refers to 3.1 miles, or 5 km, but I prefer the interpretation that it refers not to a number, but to a food (pi, or 3.14159....)

Forget the marathon. I'll show up for pie.

Do you hear a faint ticking sound?

A Pittsburgh woman found a ticking package and, fearing that it was a bomb, threw it out the window. Turns out it was a metronome sent as a gift. Did she think it was a bomb from a Wile E. Coyote cartoon?

Modern bombs don’t tick. The bomb maker would have to go to an antique store to find a ticking alarm clock to make a bomb like that. 

Now who's the super genius?

Bad Housekeeping: How Not to Clean Your Toilet Seat

This paper insert came with a new toilet seat. It says that, when cleaning your toilet seat, "avoid detergents, disinfectants, or cleaning products in aerosol cans." Really, no disinfectants? This is a toilet seat for heaven's sake! Can you think of another item in your home that needs disinfectant more?

The instructions warn that chemicals "may damage the seat's finish." I didn't realize the seat had a finish. It's just a run-of-the-mill solid plastic toilet seat. 

I don't know what planet these people are from, but remind me never to use the restrooms there.

News of the Obvious

These shocking stories are in today's news:

• Swedish news source The Local reports this quote from model Kevin Montero, "The models are judged on how thin they are, which means that the fashion industry doesn't care about your personality."
• The LA times reports, "People's love for cats is unrequited, study indicates."
• UPI reports on the Massachusetts bill to designate a state sandwich, "Why the state Legislature feels the need to designate a (state) sandwich is itself questionable. There's plenty of other pressing business."
• The Daily Star reports, "Sexual assault is not cool, ladies."
• Finally, and most unbelievably, CNN reports that tornadoes are possible in the Great Plains region!

Our Interdependent Global Economy

Condoms mis-labelled in China cause condom shortage in Cuba.

A batch of condoms from China were mis-labelled with the wrong expiration date. Cuban officials are trying to re-package the condoms with the correct expiration date, but can't do it fast enough. As a result, most pharmacies are out-of-stock, and the pharmacies that have them are selling them for $1.30 each, which is an entire day's wage for the average Cuban.

UPDATE: Since this story originally broke, the Cuban Public Health Ministry has authorized the sale of the condoms with the incorrect expiration date. The correct expiration date is December 2014, but in light of the shortage, I guess the authorities figured that they will all be used up by then.

Ridiculous Product: Baby Cologne

Johnson & Johnson has made a product called "baby cologne," which will reportedly "leave your baby smelling clean and fresh."

Babies smell good naturally. They don't need cologne. If your baby smells bad, he needs a bath and a new diaper. And if that diaper is loaded, no amount of cologne is going to help.

Bibliotecariophobia: The Fear of Librarians

A book was returned to a library today, bearing a card showing that it was checked-out on February 6, 1980, and was due on Feb 20, 1980. The book was quietly placed in the outside book drop; I'm sure the guilt-ridden offender did not want to meet a librarian face-to-face. I'd hate to see the over-due fines that person is going to have to pay, with interest compounded over 34 years. He may have to declare bankruptcy.

  

 

To protect the privacy of the innocent as well as the guilty, patron names have been smudged 

out in the above picture of the actual check-out card, which is now an antique collector's item.

When life gives you rhino dung . . .

. . .  brand it as “Rhino-Grow” and sell it on eBay as “high-quality” fertilizer.

Data mining does it again

Based on Amazon’s “Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought” suggestions, we can determine that people who buy this digital scale are drug dealers who also buy:

• "Spice" grinders
• "Tobacco" pipe screens
• Caffeine powder (to cut heroin)
• Rolling papers
• Gelatin capsules and capsule-filling machines
• And a whole lot of plastic baggies

 

See the Atlantic web site for more about The Unintentional Amazon Guide to Dealing Drugs.

Repetitive Redundancy

Quote from CNN article about the Jesus wife papyrus fragment:

 

"The main topic of the fragment is to affirm that women who are mothers and wives can be disciples of Jesus—a topic that was hotly debated in early Christianity as celibate virginity increasingly became highly valued," King said.

“Celibate virginity”? Is there any other kind?

Appendectomy, Step 1: Remove Appendix

A man is suing his hospital for not removing his appendix during his appendectomy in 2013. This should have been the first sign:

“We have an operative report from Lawrence Hospital saying that the appendix was removed. Most importantly, we have the pathology report from Lawrence Hospital after the first operation which says what was presented to the pathology department was not the appendix.”

The man has since had another appendectomy, this time removing his appendix.

Talk about unnecessary medical interventions...

Doctors with too much time on their hands diagnose and surgically repair Rodin’s sculptures of human hands.

There is so much wrong with our health-care system.

California’s Affordable Care Act Health Exchange web site listed a phone number to call to sign up for health insurance…but it was a phone sex line.