Bibliotecariophobia: The Fear of Librarians

A book was returned to a library today, bearing a card showing that it was checked-out on February 6, 1980, and was due on Feb 20, 1980. The book was quietly placed in the outside book drop; I'm sure the guilt-ridden offender did not want to meet a librarian face-to-face. I'd hate to see the over-due fines that person is going to have to pay, with interest compounded over 34 years. He may have to declare bankruptcy.

  

 

To protect the privacy of the innocent as well as the guilty, patron names have been smudged 

out in the above picture of the actual check-out card, which is now an antique collector's item.

When life gives you rhino dung . . .

. . .  brand it as “Rhino-Grow” and sell it on eBay as “high-quality” fertilizer.

Data mining does it again

Based on Amazon’s “Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought” suggestions, we can determine that people who buy this digital scale are drug dealers who also buy:

• "Spice" grinders
• "Tobacco" pipe screens
• Caffeine powder (to cut heroin)
• Rolling papers
• Gelatin capsules and capsule-filling machines
• And a whole lot of plastic baggies

 

See the Atlantic web site for more about The Unintentional Amazon Guide to Dealing Drugs.

Repetitive Redundancy

Quote from CNN article about the Jesus wife papyrus fragment:

 

"The main topic of the fragment is to affirm that women who are mothers and wives can be disciples of Jesus—a topic that was hotly debated in early Christianity as celibate virginity increasingly became highly valued," King said.

“Celibate virginity”? Is there any other kind?

Appendectomy, Step 1: Remove Appendix

A man is suing his hospital for not removing his appendix during his appendectomy in 2013. This should have been the first sign:

“We have an operative report from Lawrence Hospital saying that the appendix was removed. Most importantly, we have the pathology report from Lawrence Hospital after the first operation which says what was presented to the pathology department was not the appendix.”

The man has since had another appendectomy, this time removing his appendix.

Talk about unnecessary medical interventions...

Doctors with too much time on their hands diagnose and surgically repair Rodin’s sculptures of human hands.

There is so much wrong with our health-care system.

California’s Affordable Care Act Health Exchange web site listed a phone number to call to sign up for health insurance…but it was a phone sex line.

How old is "grown up"?

I know there are age requirements for certain things: you must be 16 to drive, 18 to vote, and 21 to drink alcohol, etc. But this woman is 85. I think she has earned the right to stuff dollar bills in a dancer’s pants if she wants to.

This has got to be the worst form of birth control ever...

A woman from Pleasant Grove, Utah, is facing six counts of murder for strangulating and suffocating six babies immediately after she gave birth to them (over a period of ten years). She individually wrapped each baby (and a seventh still-born baby) in towels and plastic and stored them in cardboard boxes in her garage. Then she left them there when she moved out of the house. And she looks so surprised in her mug shot, as if she figured that no one would ever clean out the garage.

Or maybe she's surprised because someone told her that there are other forms of birth control.

The Brady Bunch meets Psycho

The Pennsylvania high school stabber’s lawyer says the stabber’s family is “like the Brady Bunch.” Sure, if the Brady Bunch were homicidal ax-wielding maniacs. 

What is with people? The kid must be mentally unstable. How else could he violently stab 21 people before being tackled to the ground? Are we going to blame this on cell phones again? Or are we going to admit that there’s a real problem here?

Correlation is Not Causation

CBS reports that a man with body dysmorphic disorder grew suicidal after spending 10 hours a day taking 200 selfies a day, trying to take the “right” selfie. The man’s doctor warns that “taking too many selfies may cause mental illness.”

If you don’t like the way you look in pictures, stop taking 200 selfies a day! This is not rocket science.

But seriously, mental illness should not be taken lightly. My problem with this article is that the doctors (including the man’s parents, who are both “mental health professionals”) are blaming the mental illness on the technology. If the selfies are causing the problem, then can’t it be solved by taking away the guy’s cell phone and digital camera? Did none of the “mental health professionals” think of that? Or does anyone think that maybe the problem is a little deeper than the technology? I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that the man was already mentally ill, and that is what caused him to waste 10 hours a day taking pictures of himself. Even if you like what you look like, you would have to be mentally ill in the first place to spend that much time taking selfies. This brings us to the critical thinking lesson of the day: Correlation is not causation, no matter how convenient it would be for two mental health professionals to blame a cell phone for their son’s mental problems.

Sometimes art is so bad, it's good. (No, this is not an April Fool's joke.)

A performance artist was arrested in Paris after parading in front of the Eiffel Tower with a live rooster attached to his penis via a "leash" of white ribbon. Steven Cohen also donned red gloves, platform high-heeled shoes, a girdle, thigh-high panty hose, a feather headdress, and elaborate makeup including fake eyelashes. He calls the piece Coq/Cock, pun intended.

He is being charged with sexual exhibitionism in French court. But South African Cohen explains his artistic performance: "I made a work using French national symbols - the cock, the Eiffel Tower, the Folies Bergere - as well as a very South African approach to using public space with political consciousness." He further explains the piece as being about "gender identity and the politics of the body."

I think this performance deserves credit for originality and entertainment value. Just seeing Cohen walk around in those shoes is quite an impressive site. But Parisians didn't feel that it was anything worth writing home about. Fairfax Media reports, "Cohen told the court there had been no complaint from people who had witnessed the performance and even a group of passing nuns were unfazed." Apparently Parisians have seen everything already.

But seriously, I feel this piece is a statement about uncomfortable clothing that women must wear to be acceptable in society. To me it says, "If men had to wear fake eyelashes, girdles, thigh-highs and high-heeled shoes, they, too, would feel as if they had a rooster tied to their penis."

As the above photo doesn't do justice to this artwork, a video of the performance, with additional commentary by the artist, can be seen on YouTube. I encourage you to watch the video and see what metaphors come to mind.

UPDATE: The artist was found guilty, but given no penalty.

From the Dyslexia Department

I saw this logo, and being the dyslexic that I am, I thought it said, "Just rub on it."

P.S. Blue-Emu is a topical pain reliever.

From the Irony Department

South Carolina man accused of hitting girlfriend with anger management book

Enough said.

Violence in My Own Backyard

Some people believe that if a little is good, then a lot is even better. Unfortunately, this does not apply to tree trimming. There comes a point where trimming off more branches is a bad thing. I think the gardener went too far when trimming the tree on the right, below.

As you can see, the tree on the left has leaves on it, but the tree on the right has not sprouted a single leaf since it's overzealous "trim." Maybe "bob" would be more appropriate. The gardener killed it! I don't think it was premeditated. However, this is clearly an aggravated assault. Gross negligence leading to death. It is worthy at least of a manslaughter (plant-slaughter?) charge. 

There is even evidence that this individual may be a serial killer. Another thoroughly-trimmed tree close by shows the same M.O. Notice the severed trunk.

What was this guy thinking? "Hey, if I just cut off the trunk, then I don't have to trim all these little branches. That'll save time." 

We can't let these criminals get away with this. If you see a suspicious hedge trimmer-wielding individual in your neighborhood, report it to the police immediately!

Grandma Opposes Frozen's "Gay Agenda"

The Huffington Post reports that a Mormon grandmother is slamming Disney's Oscar-winning movie Frozen for its “gay agenda.”

That’s funny. I don’t remember anyone complaining about Disney's Mulan, and that girl is a cross-dresser!

Imitation is the Highest Form of Flattery

…and if you are a dictator, you can force everyone to flatter you.

Kim Jong Un has ordered all North Korean men to get the same haircut that he has. 

Well, that's one way to get people to stop making fun of your haircut. I guess they can't laugh if they look just as ridiculous as you do.

P.S. North Korean women can still choose from one of 18 approved hairstyles:

In other Haircut Police news, see School suspends girl who shaved her head for friend with cancer.

Airfares get more and more expensive, and the amenities get worse and worse...

Seen in the Dallas airport:

 

Heard over the PA system: "Some of you will be departing via gates A8 and A10. The rest of you will be leaving via the toilets at A9." 

That's what you get for flying coach.

Higher Education

I passed a sign for Bastyr University on my way to work today. How do you pronounce that? I’m assuming “BAH-stir.”

What is their mascot? The Bastyr Bastards? That's an alma mater you can be proud of.

Hooters as the Voice of Feminism

Even Hooters in San Diego will not serve the mayor, who is accused of groping numerous women. San Diego Hooters has joined a campaign where businesses post signs in their windows that say (and I’m not making this up), “Mayor Bob Filner will not be served in this establishment” because “We believe women should be treated with respect."